In the Process of Becoming

“Many people assume that our desires shape our choices. What they don’t recognize is that, over time, our choices begin to shape our desires. You begin to crave what you choose…” - Jason and Crystalina Evert

Hi friends! I know it’s been a couple weeks since I last posted an entry, and as much as I love to write, I also needed some time away to recenter myself and process what I was feeling and experiencing. Honestly, I haven’t been okay. As hard as it was, I had to admit that to myself first. It took some meditation, introspection, and a few heart-to-heart conversations with loved ones until I finally got myself to acknowledge this emotional truth. 

The other day, a wise guru gently reminded me that we live in a world full of craziness, so it is normal to feel anxious, disappointed in others, and discouraged at times. 

Recently, I found myself extremely delicate, teary-eyed, and tongue-tied in what would have been a typical conversation amongst friends or family. I let certain questions and impressions get to me to the extent that I couldn’t express myself naturally and fully. I felt myself slowly retreating into my shell as I began to doubt myself. I felt this sudden urge to explain and defend myself, most especially my line of work, but chose not to expound because I was simply tired of making such an effort. At the end of the day, I realized that there is no need to make everyone understand who I am, what I do, and why I do what I do. It’s so easy to get carried away by visuals and performative fluff because who doesn’t want validation and admiration, right? As satisfying as it may seem to gain the understanding and approval of all, it is impossible. You do not always have to have the last word. There is also so much power in remaining silent and leaving what was wrongly said and misunderstood unsaid in the most tempting moments.  

Worn down by all the challenges (tragedies, uncertainties, and drastic transitions) this past year unexpectedly served me with, I realized that it was I who changed. I’ve become a lot more serious and reflective… 2020 is no joke after all, and many of us were forced to grow up and step it up. 

I figured...there’s no need to wait until I’m 100% okay to write about this, and reach out to others. When you’re not okay and reveal that emotional truth to yourself, it feels so darn good because it suddenly loses its power over you. 

This might not be a mind-blowing or sexy post, but my wish is simply this... that you take away how important it is to develop a relationship with yourself and set boundaries that’ll maintain and protect your inner dialogue.

P.S. Here is a post I wrote for The Catholic Woman months ago, which was uploaded yesterday, and is so timely because it reminded me of who I am and why I should continue to trust in the process  —  that I am becoming who I am meant to be, not broken beyond repair.